NOT QUITE MYSELF LATELY?

The last month or so has been very difficult for me, contrary circumstances, some small (although they didn't feel small at the time), some big, some that don't appear to be fixable.  Amid all that, a broken relationship that I don't really understand myself completely.  Three fibro flares, one right after the other, each one  seeming to pick up where the last one left off, as well as the suffering of CFS - chronic fatigue syndrome.  Then there's the brain fog.  Sometimes I thought that if I could think right maybe these things wouldn't have been so difficult.  Maybe.  And then there is this strange restlessness.  Almost like a quandary.  Things I enjoyed I don't enjoy so much now.  I almost feel like I'm standing in a grey zone - there's no right or left, no backwards or forwards, no good, no bad.  I'm just not quite myself lately.

It is apparent that I am going to have to practice walking by faith and not by sight, because what I can see would drive me to the depths of despair if I didn't know that the Lord is the Answer to all the questions.  And I know that every believer has to live being conducted by what they cannot see.  I am not unique in this.  I'm just amazed that for as long as I've been walking with the Lord I'm not any better at it than I am yet.

A few days ago, the Lord let me get mixed up in order to straighten me out.  I was reading in my devotional Bible on the correct reading for that particular day.  I know I was.  I checked it.  But after I was through reading and praying and thinking, I noticed something peculiar - I was way off on some other day.  Too many days difference for it to have been an 'accident'.  This was the hand of the Lord, reaching out to me in His unconditional, never failing Love.  This was, in part, the Scripture verse I read that day:  When the earth and all it's people quake, it is I who hold it's pillars firm.  Psalm 75:3.  Naturally my thoughts went to the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Japan, and the broken nuclear reactors.  The Lord is promising to hold the planet together until that great day when He makes all things new.  And He will minister to those dear people and hold them steady in the midst of the devastation.  But then the Lord gently corrected me.  Can He hold a whole planet firm, but not my world?  When the flood waters rise high above my head, can He not hold me firm?  Will there not be a support under me when my world quakes?

The Father's love for me is not fickle and unpredictable.  He loves me as much today as He did yesterday and He will love me as much tomorrow as He did today.  And the nicest part of that is that I had nothing to do with it.  That's just the way He is.

Maybe being not quite myself lately is not such a bad thing.  Maybe it's just part of my spiral upward.  And I shall emerge from the darkness into marvelous light.

Much love to you ...